You Could Be HappyPairing:
They do not belong to me. If only...Summary:
Randy's relationship with John wasn't the best thing for John.AN:
Song fic, using Snow Patrol's "You Could Be Happy" which has been running round my head for days. Also, apparently trying to write Centon angst is like kicking puppies in the face - near impossible. *sigh*You could be happy
And I won’t know
But you weren’t happy
The day I watched you go
And all the things
That I wished I had not said
Are played on loops
Till it’s madness in my head
Randy didn’t think he’d ever forget that day, when he made John leave. It was one of those memories that would be burnt into his brain for the rest of his life and one that would most likely torture him forever.
They’d been together going on a year, and everyone seemed to think they were perfect for each other. John balanced out Randy, Randy balanced out John. He remembered people speaking about them like they were destined to be together. John would smile and nod, not seeming to care what they spoke of, just eternally happy with life.
It seemed Randy was the only one who saw the danger. He was the only one who saw what their relationship did to John, what he did to John. He wasn’t good for him. Randy knew he was a difficult person to get along with; he knew that he was moody and bitchy and could strop for days about the smallest thing. He didn’t exactly like that side of his personality, but it was a part of him and he’d grown accustomed to it. John shouldn’t have to grow accustomed to it. John was happy, care-free and full of life. He was blessed with boundless energy and nothing seemed to faze him, he took everything in his stride. Randy shouldn’t be allowed to take that side of John away, he shouldn’t be allowed to be the one who took that attitude away from John.
He remembered John walking into the room, shaking his head in amusement as he read something on his phone. Randy had been struck with how beautiful he looked, and it had almost made him stop and rethink what he was about to do. John had thrown himself down on the bed, groaning theatrically as he shuffled around to get comfy.
He’d asked Randy what was up, cocking his head slightly as he looked at him and Randy had just looked at him, his heart almost tearing as he told John they couldn’t be together anymore.
John’s face had had a look of horrid disbelief, as if he was waiting for the RAW roster to burst into the room and declare it all some kind of disturbing practical joke. But the punch line never came, and John had risen from the bed and left the room, ignoring Randy’s protests of how he would leave and stay with Ted and Cody. John hadn’t said a word the whole time and it was that silence that haunted Randy.Is it too late to remind you
How we were
But not our last days of silence
Most of what I remember
Makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking
Out the door
Those days with John had been the happiest of his life, and Ted and Cody had trouble understanding why Randy had broken things off. They stuck by him, ridiculously loyal as they were, but Randy could see their confusion. Randy, meanwhile, retreated into himself. The only passion, the only emotion he showed now was out in the ring. There he came alive, he was The Viper and everyone commented about how terrifyingly good he was at it. But when the curtain fell, when the cheers from the crowd faded, he was back to being blank inside. He knew that his lack of any kind of emotion worried his two protégés as they tried to cheer him up. He offered the occasional weak smile to the pair of them as they recounted stories in the hope of getting some kind of reaction from him. They invited him out to eat with them more often, dragged him out for drinks regularly and made sure he was never really alone for any great length of time. They offered to room with him, and share car-rides but Randy didn’t want them to have to put up with him. They were young and full of love and lust for each other and the whole reason he broke it off with John was to allow others to be happy when he wasn’t.You could be happy
I hope you are
You made me happier
Than I’d been by far
I own, smells of you
And for the tiniest moment
It’s all not true
He’d watched John carefully after their break up and John didn’t appear to have been that affected. Ted and Cody reported differently, of course, but Randy wasn’t fooled. When he watched John joke and laugh and interact with their work-mates, he knew that he’d done the right thing. John shouldn’t be held back by someone like him.
Ted and Cody had managed to drag him down to the hotel bar, under the promise that it would only be for one drink and then he could disappear. Ted had even offered to buy the first round and Randy couldn’t turn down their hopeful faces for another night. So he sat himself in one of the corner tables, took the drink that Cody pushed across the table towards him and pretended to listen as they discussed the latest gossip from backstage. He barely took in a word of what they said, and he kept his eyes down, choosing to focus on his beer bottle rather than his surroundings.
However, his head jerked up in pure reaction as he heard John’s loud laugh across the bar. Ted and Cody shot him a worried look.
“Randy-” Ted began but Randy shook his head.
He pushed his beer away from him and stood silently, weaving his way out of the bar, and not once looking back at John. He made his way back to his room, and sat down on his bed, holding his head in his hands. This was hard, he couldn’t pretend that it wasn’t. It hurt seeing John every day and it hurt more to know that he was most likely a lot happier without Randy in his life. It hurt, but that was all Randy wanted: for John to be happy. He flung himself backwards and stared up at the ceiling, looking but not seeing. His hand groped under the covers, finding the thin, almost threadbare t-shirt. It was John’s. He couldn’t help but take it after that night, he needed some kind of reminder of him with him constantly. He wore it to sleep in, so that his senses were filled with the smell of John. It meant that John himself weaved his way through Randy’s dreams each and every night but that was what Randy was hoping to achieve. He craved those dreams and it didn’t matter that when he woke, each and every morning, for a second he thought John would be there. He believed that he would roll over and find John, sprawled out, one hand inevitably clutching at Randy’s waist. He revelled in thinking that he could lean over and kiss him, relax into his warm strength and ignore the world for a few minutes more until the alarm went off. It hurt a little more each day when he realised it wasn’t true, but Randy was getting used to it.Do the things
That you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back
Don’t think, just do
More than anything
I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite
Out of the whole world.
He knew John’s dream was to be the best in the world. And he knew that John wouldn’t be able to achieve that if he was holding him back. He’d needed to let John fly free, to become the superstar that Randy knew he was. When Randy had left him, John had thrown himself into his work so that everywhere Randy looked, John was there. The constant reminders of him should have upset Randy, should have made him resent the other man but they didn’t. They made him pleased. He wanted John to get the recognition he deserved. When he saw John doing everything and anything that he wanted, it made Randy’s heart soar. It made the pain of losing him a little easier to bear because this was what John was born to do. Watching him with the fans, with company managers, with talk show hosts and with movie stars made the decision worth it. He clung on to John’s shirt and remembered watching John only the night before on Kimmel. His heart had swollen with pride and he’d found just a tiny bit of peace as John was lavished with attention. It was better that he had let him go, it was better like this. John’s happiness was more important than his own. It was all that mattered.
There was a loud knock at his room door. It was most likely Ted or Cody, checking up on him. He sighed heavily, sliding John’s shirt back under his pillow before he heaved himself to his feet and headed for the door. It wouldn’t be fair to let them worry, he owed them that much.
His heart froze at the sight of John standing on the other side of the door.
“It should be me who decides what makes me happy, you absolute and complete dick.” John spat at him furiously.
Randy didn’t say anything, he couldn’t say anything, as John shoved him backwards into the room, shutting the door firmly behind him.
“And for some completely unfathomable reason, being with you, you stupid, retarded, idiotic fucker, makes me happy.” John told him.
Randy’s knees buckled, and he would have fallen if John hadn’t caught him, easing them both to the floor.
“But… but I’m bad for you. I’m wrong for you.” He managed to choke out.
John shook his head vehemently. “You don’t get to decide that.” He took Randy’s face in his hands and made him look at him. “You hear me? You don’t get to decide that.”
When John kissed him, it felt like he was getting a second chance at life. He clutched John to him, burying his face in John’s neck and breathing deeply, trying to inhale as much as he could of the other man.
“You make me happy.” He whispered and he could feel John’s smile against his shoulder.
Maybe he didn’t get to decide what made John happy; maybe he just had to go along with it.